Ashes to Ashes, series three, episode two.
Writer: Ashley Pharoah
Director: David Drury

xxxx

Oh, look, boys and girls, it's our heroes indulging in a re-make of Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl". GENE is playing Billy; RAY, CHRIS and DC SLATE as the mechanics; and VIV chauffeuring ALEX round in the Quattro. No explanation can do full justice to the horror result; you'll have to watch it for yourself.

MUSIC: "Uptown Girl" by Billy Joel

# Uptown girl, she's been living in her uptown world
# I bet she never had a backstreet guy
# I bet her mama never told her why
# I'm gonna try for an uptown girl
# She's been living in her white bread world
# As long as anyone with hot blood can
# And now she's looking for a downtown man
# That's what I am
# And when she knows what she wants from her time
# She'll say I'm not so tough
# Just because I'm in love with an uptown girl
# She's been living in her white bread world
# As long as anyone with hot... #


ALEX wakes up on the sofa in her flat. It was All A Dream. Another one for her therapist, methinks... The television is showing nothing but static again. She sighs, turns it off and then on again. Static. Even Orville would be welcome just now.

ALEX:
Where is everybody?



CID is in chaos, workmen all over the place including in the ceiling, hammering, drilling, etc. 'Uptown Girl' is playing on the radio. SHAZ is almost beside herself with irritation.

# Uptown girl, she's been living in her uptown world
# I bet she never had a backstreet guy
# I bet her mama never told her why
# I'm gonna try for an uptown girl #

SHAZ:
How much longer you going to be? 'Cos you're doing my head in!

BUILDER:
Sorry, love. We've got to drag this place into 1983.

CHRIS:
Got one of your migraines, Shaz?

SHAZ:
Just shut up.

SHAZ shifts builders' stuff off her desk, CHRIS takes receipt of the post, and ALEX comes in. She glances at GENE in his office, possibly in connection with "Uptown Girl" on the radio, then goes to her desk to check the Tyler file is still in her drawer. It is. Only then does she find someone has crudely carved 6-6-20 into the surface of her desk. Grinling Gibbons they are not.

ALEX:
Who did this?

Passing PC:
Don't know, ma'am.

GENE has also finally had enough, and storms out of his office.

GENE:
Right, this is CID, not the Radio One bloody Roadshow! Now, listen up. Keats is in today. He wants to interview you all about the efficiency of the ship I run. (to ALEX) What are you looking at?

ALEX:
Nothing.

ALEX smirks and has a flashback to GENE doing his Billy Joel.

# Uptown girl... #

GENE goes back to his office, luckily none the wiser, and ALEX gazes at the 6-6-20 cut into her desk.



Opening titles.

ALEX voiceover:
My name is Alex Drake. I was shot and found myself in 1983. Is it real? Or in my mind? Either way, I have to solve the mystery of what all this means and fight to get home. Because time is running out.



CID and RAY interrupts CHRIS in his sorting of the mail. The noise from the builders is ongoing.

MUSIC: 'Don't You Want Me' by Human League

RAY:
Ho ho ho. Have I got a treat for you, my friend, in the interview room.

CHRIS:
No, I've got to open the post.

RAY:
Sod the post. Come on, come on.



RAY leads CHRIS to the window into the interview room, wherein sit two young ladies. Twins. Blondes. There you have it; RAY is apparently already dead and gone to heaven.

RAY:
Look at the puppies on them!

CHRIS:
Who are they?

RAY:
I pulled them for speeding. They were in Daddy's car so they're desperate for me to lose the paperwork.

CHRIS:
I've got to go and open the post.

RAY:
What is wrong with you? I'm talking a couple of hand jobs here, minimum.

CHRIS:
I don't want a hand job.

RAY:
What do you want?

CHRIS:
Love. Look it up.

RAY:
Pillow biter.

MUSIC: 'Let's Dance' by David Bowie



Gene's office, and the poor man's up to his neck in paperwork when ALEX comes in.

GENE:
What?

ALEX:
So, did somebody get out of the wrong side of the bed this morning?

GENE:
Yes, they did. And since D&C have taken such a keen interest in our progress, I now find myself with five times the paperwork.

ALEX:
You can't have five times nothing.

GENE:
And if I'd known about Driller Killer there was coming in today, I wouldn't have opened a second bottle of Johnnie Walker. What is it?

ALEX:
Sam Tyler.

GENE:
I told you, Bolly, I'm not talking about it.

ALEX:
But why? I'm not asking you to be disloyal to his memory, I just...

GENE:
Sam Tyler was a friend of mine. Sam Tyler died. End of. It is not a subject for small talk.

ALEX:
But I know how fond of him all of you were. I just wanted to find out a little more about him. How he died. I mean...

GENE:
Are you deaf?

From CID, the sounds of a WPC at the end of her tether waft into Gene's office.

SHAZ:
Who put this on my desk? Who put this on my desk!?

ALEX and GENE come out to investigate. Someone's left a screwdriver on SHAZ's desk.

ALEX:
Shaz? What's the matter?

BUILDER:
Sorry, love. I only put it down for a minute.

SHAZ picks it up and, I believe, throws it at the BULIDER.

SHAZ:
ARRRRGGHH!

ALEX:
Shaz!

GENE:
Oi! Oi! If you're riding the cotton pony, you can bloody go home and do it!

ALEX:
Don't be disgusting. Shaz?

SHAZ storms out of CID, passing CHRIS and RAY on their way back in.

CHRIS:
Shaz? What's happened?

SHAZ:
Just leave me alone! All of you!

RAY:
What's wrong with that girl? Ever since you've stopped giving her one...

CHRIS:
Don't.

GENE:
Right, you lot. Sit down and do some bloody work! I've got D&C coming down on me like a ton of bricks and all you bastards can do is bicker like girls. It stops now! Right, can we just have five minutes peace and quiet while I feed my hangover a small Scotch?

The radio's turned off.

GENE:
Thank you.

CHRIS starts opening the post, starting with a small Jiffy bag.

CHRIS:
What the...

CHRIS up-ends the package and a human hand drops out.

CHRIS:
Guv!

GENE charges back out of his office ready to kill and eat.

GENE:
CHRISTOPHER!

RAY:
Looks like you got your hand-job after all, mate.



Mortuary.

PATHOLOGIST:
I'd say a young woman, between her late teens and late twenties. No rings.

GENE:
When did she die?

PATHOLOGIST:
About three days ago. It's just starting to decompose.

GENE:
Oh, good, it's not my aftershave, then.

ALEX:
Was the hand removed pre or post-mortem?

PATHOLOGIST:
Post. But only by an hour or so.

ALEX:
Anything under the fingernails? Fibres? Hair?

The PATHOLOGIST shakes his head.

ALEX:
What's your guess at the instrument used?

PATHOLOGIST:
It's hard to say. It's a very sharp blade. It's not hacked.

GENE:
Right, all done? I've probably got about 18 forms to fill in about this.

PATHOLOGIST:
There was one interesting thing.

GENE:
What?

PATHOLOGIST:
You see the raised welt on the palm?

ALEX:
Like a burn.

PATHOLOGIST:
That's precisely what it is. It's like she's been branded.



ALEX and GENE return to CID.

ALEX:
Shaz, get me the missing person reports for the last week. We need to ID that hand. (to RAY and CHRIS) I want you two to look over all the unsolved murder files of young women over the past two years. Pay special attention to the mortuary reports and photographs.

RAY:
That's a lot of files. I've got arrest forms to fill in. I'll get to it later.

ALEX:
You'll get to it now.

RAY:
You can't pull rank on me, Alex. Not any more.

GENE:
I'm telling you, Bolly, this is a one-off.

ALEX:
I'm not so sure. Branding a victim is a very specific psychological trigger. If he or she's killed before, they could have left the same calling card on other bodies. A calling-card which wasn't picked up because it wasn't being looked for.

GENE:
I don't buy it. If this nutter has done this before, why haven't we been sent body parts before?

ALEX:
Maybe something's happened that's changed the murderer's situation and he wants us to know about it. And if we don't pick up on this clue, he might feel the need to send us another one.

GENE:
What? Another murder?

JIM KEATS:
An interesting theory. Sorry. Not my case. Sorry.

JIM KEATS has popped by. Oh good.

GENE:
Can we be of assistance, James?

JIM KEATS:
Just continuing my interviews. DI Carling, please.

JIM KEATS departs, followed by a belligerant-looking RAY.



Time has moved on, and ALEX is looking at the Tyler file. There's a picture of a car, upside down in a body of water; a man standing on the bank. CHRIS comes over for a word, and ALEX hurriedly closes the file.

CHRIS:
Ma'am?

ALEX:
Yes, Chris?

CHRIS:
Er... It's Shaz. She's not been herself these last few days.

ALEX:
What's the matter with her?

CHRIS:
No idea.

ALEX:
Well, have you asked her?

CHRIS:
She won't give me the time of day.

ALEX:
All right, I'll have a word.

CHRIS:
Thanks, ma'am.

ALEX:
Chris? Um, you were friends with Sam Tyler, weren't you?

CHRIS:
Well, I'm not sure about "friends". He was more of a mentor, really. An amazing bloke.

ALEX:
Were you there when they found his car in the river?

CHRIS:
No. Er, the blaggers split up and so did we. It was the Guv and Ray who found his car.

ALEX:
Right. Thanks.

CHRIS:
Why d'you ask?

ALEX:
No reason.

CHRIS goes back to his desk, and SHAZ rolls up with a file of photographs and the ever-trusty magnifying glass.

SHAZ:
Ma'am? I think I might have something. Look under her left arm.

ALEX:
It's a crescent.

SHAZ:
Her name's Fiona Day. They found her body in a shallow grave in Hoxton.

ALEX:
Shaz, who was the investigating officer?

GENE:
The investigating officer was Gene Hunt.



Keats' office. Dark, dingy and easily mistaken for the place old case files go to die. A portable heater burns brightly. JIM KEATS ushers in RAY and they sit down.

JIM KEATS:
It's not much, but it's home.

RAY:
It's hotter than a Majorcan minge in here!

JIM KEATS:
Sorry. Poor blood circulation. Tell me about leaving Manchester.

RAY:
Well, when we came down south with the Guv, we didn't know what we'd find. I'm not saying we played it completely by the book.

JIM KEATS:
Oh, I'm glad you're not saying that.

RAY:
But we created something special down here. We're a team.

JIM KEATS:
Drake?

RAY:
Yeah. Even she has her moments.

JIM KEATS:
Your loyalty does you credit.

RAY:
It's not loyalty, it's the truth.

JIM KEATS:
Listen, Ray, I haven't come here to bury Fenchurch East or Gene Hunt. Just tell your mates that I'm just a man trying to do a difficult job. If they help me, I think I can make it work. All right?

JIM KEATS smiles a not-terribly-convincing smile, and RAY gets up and leaves. Not terribly convinced.



Meanwhile, in CID...

GENE:
Fiona Day.

ALEX:
You didn't find a single suspect?

GENE:
Well, there was an ex-husband, but he, er... he was as devastated as anyone. Had a cast-iron alibi. She lead a blameless life. I found nothing.

ALEX:
Except for the mark on her arm.

GENE:
Well, that wasn't brought to my attention. I went to her funeral.

ALEX:
You went to a victim's funeral?

GENE:
Yeah, I felt I'd let her down, Bolly. Still do.

ALEX:
There must be some connection.

GENE:
Right, we take it wide. Get in touch with every force in the country. Tell them to dig out their old pathology reports.

ALEX:
Guv.



Alex's flat, and she's channel hopping, from "Mastermind" to a nature programme.

NARRATOR on TV:
The first beetles to arrive are males. They use the dung to attract a mate. The bigger your ball, the better your chances-

That's what they say. Anyway, ALEX switches channels again, back to "Mastermind". Only instead of Magnus Magnusson asking the questions, it's an unseen GENE. SHAZ sits in the famous black chair.

GENE on the TV:
What "T" can be used as an occupational name and a given name for both genders?

SHAZ on TV:
Tyler. Meaning door keeper of an inn.

GENE on TV:
What "M" means to kill intentionally with premeditation?

SHAZ on TV:
Murder.

GENE on TV:
Speak up, please, Sharon.

SHAZ:
Murder! MURDER!

ALEX wakes up in a hurry, on the sofa again.



CID and it's another one of those white board briefings.

ALEX:
So, that's six young women murdered over a three year period. Each of them branded somewhere on their body with the shape of a crescent.

SHAZ:
I can't believe nobody picked up on it.

ALEX:
Well, the marks were small and nobody was looking for them.

GENE:
What connects the cities?

ALEX:
Well, there's London, obviously. Bristol, Sheffield, Norwich and Newcastle.

RAY:
They've all got crap football teams.

CHRIS:
Maybe the killer was a travelling salesman.

SHAZ:
Maybe he's covering his tracks, keeping it arbitrary.

ALEX:
I don't believe in "arbitrary". There's a sequence, a pattern, we just haven't found it yet.

GENE:
So what about the girls?

ALEX:
Well, all dark-haired, slim.

GENE:
Turning tricks?

ALEX:
No evidence that they were. The only thing that really links these girls is their death.

GENE:
There must be something else that links them.

RAY:
Social club maybe?

SHAZ:
Don't think so.

CHRIS:
Each victim was buried in a shallow grave on waste ground.

GENE:
And the branding. What's that all about?

RAY:
I took the photos to forensics and all they'd say is the edges were quite defined. You know, like the brand wasn't homemade.

ALEX:
Chris, the package the hand was in?

CHRIS:
It was sent from a post office six streets away. We've no fit on the handwriting.

GENE:
Right, nobody has a thought about anything else 'til we nail this. There's a pattern here. We find it.

GENE retires to his office and everyone else to their desks. GENE watches ALEX go to her's, eyes the "Colleague Tribute to Sam Tyler" newspaper cutting on his noticeboard, takes it down and scrunches it up.



In his office, GENE flicks throught the case files on the victims, has A Thought, and a goes into CID.

GENE:
When are we at our most vulnerable? Ray?

RAY:
I'm never vulnerable.

ALEX:
When we're in love?

GENE:
When we're just out of love, Bolly. When we're feeling scared. When we think we're going to spend the rest of our lives on our own.

ALEX:
Who exactly are we talking about here?

GENE:
Fiona Day was recently divorced. Her friends said that she was devastated over the failure of her marriage. She feared loneliness, and was hoping for a fresh start with a new man.

Files are consulted.

ALEX:
Debbie Saunders, divorced two years.

SHAZ:
Nelly Jones, divorcee.

CHRIS:
Martha Davis, divorcee.

RAY:
I still don't see how this helps us.

ALEX:
You're a scummy sort of a guy, Ray.

RAY:
I beg your pardon?!

ALEX:
Where do you go to meet women?

RAY:
Same places most blokes do. Bus stations, pubs, art galleries.

CHRIS:
Art galleries?

RAY:
Well, yeah. Scientifically proven that lonely birds love art.

ALEX:
Ray...

GENE:
Where else?

RAY:
I don't know. And I refute the insinuation that you...

GENE:
Where else?

RAY:
Dating agencies. I mean, so I've heard. They're popping up all over the place aren't they, for men to meet women. So I've heard.

ALEX:
Shaz. Where's that Cosmo you were reading?

GENE:
(to whistling BUILDER) Oi! Canary boy! If you don't stop that whistling, I'll rip your lips off.

ALEX:
There was an article in here about it somewhere.

CHRIS:
You've not ever been to one then?

RAY:
Of course not. They're for sad losers, those kind of places.

GENE:
Yeah, and the lonely and the vulnerable.

CHRIS:
I read that article on female circumcision, ma'am. It was very interesting.

ALEX:
Here it is. The Crescent Moon Dating Agency. Founded by Elaine Downing. She sets up new branches, gets them up and running, and then franchises them out.

CHRIS:
What sort of sad bastard uses an agency like that?

SHAZ:
Sad bastards like Ray, I reckon.

RAY:
I have not used a dating agency! And if you suggest that one more time, I'm going to kick your arse!

CHRIS:
Have to kick mine first.

ALEX:
It lists the agency's offices. Hoxton, Bristol, Sheffield, Norwich, Newcastle. And a new one's just opened up in Fenchurch a couple of months ago.

GENE:
Right, let's go and hang her upside down and see if any murderers fall out.

ALEX:
Guv, you can't just go in there like a bull in a china shop. We'll scare our killer off. I've got a feeling he's about to kill again. Maybe he's going to choose a woman from this new Fenchurch branch.

GENE:
What, and your alternative is?

ALEX:
Well, I could go in as bait. Pretend I'm a lonely woman looking for love.

GENE:
Well, there's no change there, then. No, I don't like it.

ALEX:
It would impress the hell out of Keats.



The Quattro, en route to the dating agency. The ride is on the bumpy side and ALEX is clinging on for dear life.

ALEX:
I could have got the bus. Quite happily got the bus.



Keats' office. CHRIS is sitting down being grilled, literally and figuratively.

JIM KEATS:
Fenchurch East has got a comparatively poor clean-up rate. How d'you feel about that, Chris?

CHRIS:
It's only because we don't fill in all the paperwork half the time. The Guv says we were put on this earth to catch bad people, not to push pens.

JIM KEATS ostentatiously clicks his ball point pen by CHRIS' ear.

CHRIS:
Nothing wrong with pens.

JIM KEATS:
Would you say all your arrests have been above-board and legal?

CHRIS:
Define "legal".

JIM KEATS:
Created by, permitted by, in conformity with, or relating to... the law.

CHRIS:
Erm, yes. Well... I suppose... technically.

JIM KEATS:
I see you've put down on your assessment form that you're ambitious.

CHRIS:
I think I am, yes.

JIM KEATS:
Only you've been with DCI Hunt for some years now. Isn't it time you got out from his shadow? Spread your wings a bit?

CHRIS:
I guess I'm not an ambitious man, then. I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be than in the Guv's shadow.

JIM KEATS:
Well, I wish I could say the same about a senior officer. I envy you.

MUSIC: 'This Is Not A Love Song' by Public Image Ltd

# This is not a love song #



The Quattro parked up just down the road from the Crescent Moon Dating Agency. ALEX is removing her earrings.

GENE:
Doesn't look much, does it? I'm not sure about you doing this on your own, Bolls.

ALEX starts mussing up her hair.

GENE:
What you doing?

ALEX:
Just trying to look plain and a little bit desperate. What d'you think?

GENE:
Just don't get yourself killed. Wouldn't play well with our Jimbo Keats, eh?

ALEX:
No. Well, I'll try not to.

ALEX gets out of the Quattro, GENE watching her go.



CID, and RAY comes up to speak to CHRIS, the latter looking through the postmortem photographs of the victims.

RAY:
Fabulous puppies.

CHRIS:
Steady on, mate, she's been dead two years.

RAY:
Not her. The twins. Come on, me and you, double date, what d'you say?

CHRIS:
I don't know.

RAY:
Shaz?

SHAZ:
What?

CHRIS:
Nothing.

RAY:
You don't mind if Chris starts going out on dates again, do you? Meets other women?

SHAZ:
It's nothing to do with me...

RAY:
Moves on. Rediscovers his mojo.

CHRIS:
All right, all right.

RAY:
Puts his face between two big, lovely funbags and goes...

RAY mimes what I'm told is described in modern slang as "motorboating". Google it. Or maybe don't...

SHAZ:
Like I said, it's nothing to do with me.

RAY:
I'll give them a ring.



Back at the dating agency, and GENE is still waiting outside as ELAINE DOWNING hands ALEX the paperwork necessary to look for love.

ELAINE DOWNING:
So all you need to do is fill out this form so that we can learn some of your likes, some of your dislikes. I'll then circulate your details to any of our gentlemen that I think might be of interest to you.

ALEX:
Is it safe?

ELAINE DOWNING:
It is, as long as you're sensible. Meet in a busy public place, tell a friend where you're going...

ALEX:
Have any of your dates ever gone wrong?

ELAINE DOWNING:
You're a, a very, um, attractive woman, Ms Winslet.

ALEX:
Call me Kate.

ELAINE DOWNING:
I don't suppose you've had any trouble finding gentlemen.

ALEX:
Well, er, erm you know, it's finding the right one really that seems to be the problem. My husband and I were divorced last year.

ELAINE DOWNING:
I'm sorry to hear that.

ALEX:
Um, do you think that might be a problem with... with any of your gentlemen? You know, the stigma that's attached to being a divorcee.

GENE has got fed up with waiting, and having tried to peer through the window, bursts in.

ELAINE DOWNING:
Can I help you?

GENE:
I'm looking for love. You got any?



CID, and it's evidently home time.

RAY:
I'm not going to go and see a kids' film.

CHRIS:
It's not a kids' film, Ray. Alec Guinness is in it.

RAY:
Oh aye, and what's the name of his character?

CHRIS:
Obi-Wan "Ben" Kenobi.

RAY:
Yeah. We, my friend, are going to go and see "The Hunger". Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon in a sci-fi lesbian romp.

Decision made, RAY leaves.

CHRIS:
D'you fancy the flicks, Shaz?

SHAZ:
No, thank you.

CHRIS goes to leave too, but hesitates at the door.

CHRIS:
Drink?

SHAZ doesn't respond, and CHRIS gives up.



Gene's office, and GENE and ALEX are sitting over his desk, filling in the dating agency questionaires.

ALEX:
Why did you have to come crashing in like that? I was just getting somewhere with her.

GENE:
Because I'm not letting you take all the glory with Little Jimmy.

ALEX:
You just can't stand not being in control, can you?

GENE:
You know, you presuppose that the killer is a man. Well, what if I manage to flush out that the killer is a woman?

ALEX:
Control freak.

GENE:
What did you put for Favourite Meal?

ALEX:
It's personal.

GENE:
It's a police investigation.

ALEX:
Er, I once had the most amazing roast foie gras with gooseberry, braised konbu and crab biscuit. What did you put?

GENE:
Steak and chips.

ALEX:
Favourite Artist?

GENE:
Herb Alpert and His Tijuana Brass.

ALEX:
Herb Alpert?!

GENE:
Yes, women love it. Reminds them of sun and sea, and getting poked behind an electricity substation in Torremolinos. What did you put?

ALEX:
Georges Braque.

GENE:
You know what? You're going to get every soppy, pustular virgin this side of the Blackwall Tunnel.

ALEX:
At least I'll get some replies.

ALEX takes GENE's questionnaire and starts to read it.

ALEX:
"Favourite Drink - bitter, but only from central Manchester. Favourite Film - High Noon. Most Admired Person - Winston Churchill. Philosophy On The Opposite Sex - Maid in the living room, cook in the kitchen, whore in the bedroom."

GENE:
Women admire honesty, Bolls.

ALEX:
You know how many replies you're going to get, don't you? None.

SHAZ:
Just off home, Guv.

ALEX:
Bye, Shaz. (to GENE) What's the matter with that girl?

GENE is retaliating by reading ALEX's answers.

GENE:
"Favourite Film - Thelma & Louise." Never heard of it.

ALEX:
Hasn't come out yet.

GENE:
"Favourite drink - Sauvignon Blanc, but only from the South Island of New Zealand."

ALEX:
Where does Shaz live?

GENE:
No idea, never asked her. And I've told you more than once, Bolly, Nelson Mandela IS a terrorist.




SHAZ is walking home, listening to her Walkman, and turns into a narrow alley. ALEX is following. She loses sight of SHAZ's shadow up ahead and quickens her pace. She comes to the end of the alley and looks in awe; where there should be houses, there's a black sky full of stars instead. ALEX gasps. The scenery's just... stopped. There's a whisper of voices behind her and she turns. The alley is deserted, but when she turns back, the stars are gone and fairly ordinary London houses are standing just where you'd expect to see them.

SHAZ:
You following me?

ALEX turns back to the alley, to see SHAZ standing there.



A bench beside the river Thames. Tower Bridge in the distance and the sounds of the Westminster Clock Tower striking the hour in the distance.

SHAZ:
I don't know what's up with me, ma'am. I just... I know I'm letting the team down.

ALEX:
You're not letting anybody down, Shaz, we're just worried about you. You're not your usual happy, battling self.

SHAZ:
I know I'm not.

ALEX:
Is everything all right at home?

SHAZ:
Yeah.

ALEX:
Is it Chris?

SHAZ:
I miss Chris a bit, I guess. But I know it's right we're not together.

ALEX:
So what is it then?

SHAZ:
I think it might be the police force.

ALEX:
The police?

SHAZ:
All I'd ever wanted to be was a copper and I was so proud when I made it.

ALEX:
Shaz, you're such a good cop, and you're getting better by the day.

SHAZ:
I just don't feel I belong, ma'am, if truth be told.

ALEX:
Of course you do.

SHAZ:
You're amazing. You take all their insults and sarcasms and you turn that into energy. I just don't know how to do that.

ALEX:
It's because, deep down, at the end of the day, we all want the same thing. We want a strong CID.

SHAZ:
I think you lot would be better off without me.

ALEX:
No, Shaz.

SHAZ:
I think I might be a lot happier without you lot, too.

ALEX:
Well, we'll keep talking. Goodnight again, Shaz.

SHAZ:
Night. Oh, and ma'am? You're rubbish at following people.



CID, presumably the next day.

RAY:
Why can't I just get on to Crescent Moon and pull out the questionnaires the dead girls have filled in?

ALEX:
Because I don't want anyone getting wind that we're close to this man.

ALEX gives SHAZ an encouraging smile. CHRIS enters CID and ALEX waylays him.

ALEX:
Chris? Um, if you weren't at the scene of Sam's disappearance...

CHRIS:
I wasn't, ma'am.

ALEX:
…who took this photograph?

ALEX shows CHRIS the picture of the car upside down in the water.

CHRIS:
Don't know who took it, ma'am. It wasn't me. It was probably Ray.

VIV enters CID with COLIN DANSON.

VIV:
Ma'am? This is Colin Danson. His wife, Sandie's been missing for three days.

COLIN DANSON:
Estranged wife. She pissed off a month ago and left me with the kids.

ALEX:
Right. Well, er, you can help him fill in the paperwork, can't you, Viv?

VIV:
Mr Danson got a phone call from his wife's bank this morning. Seems he's still her next of kin.

COLIN DANSON:
They said they hadn't been able to contact her about a series of odd payments made over the past four days.

ALEX:
Well, what was odd about the payments?

COLIN DANSON:
Well, they were mostly for alcohol and betting shops. She don't drink, she don't gamble.

VIV:
Mr Danson got a invoice in the post, addressed to his wife.

COLIN DANSON:
I've been to her flat. She wasn't there. She hasn't been there for days. My kids are worried sick.

ALEX:
Who was the invoice from?

VIV:
Crescent Moon Dating Agency.



The Quattro, and it's oh-so-obvious stakeout time. Not helped by two uniformed coppers standing behind it...

RAY:
Oh, I loved that bit when Susan Sarandon was slurping on Catherine thingy's titty.

ALEX:
Ray.

RAY:
What?

ALEX:
Please, shut up. I spoke to the woman who runs the off-licence. She said every day at the same time, a man goes in to buy the shopping for his sick mum. Uses a chequebook signed "Mrs Danson".

GENE:
What, you really think he's our man?

ALEX:
I'm sure of it. She said if he comes in today, she's going to draw the blind.

GENE:
I've been looking forward to this moment for years.

ALEX:
He's dangerous. He wants us to catch him, but not before he's played out his sick little game. He's going to fight like a cornered wildcat.

GENE:
Good. I like a bit of sport.

RAY:
Guv, there's the blind. That's the signal.

GENE:
Let's go!



HARRIS, a young man of deeply unthreatening appearance, steps out of the shop door, and right into some armed bastards and a brown trouser moment.

GENE:
Who the hell are you?

HARRIS:
Don't shoot me! Please!



Wasteground, and HARRIS is being propelled along by GENE, the others following.

HARRIS:
I don't know anything, Mr Hunt!

GENE:
Shut it. Are you a killer, Harris?

HARRIS:
No, Mr Hunt!

GENE:
Are you a dishonest little scrotum who has been buying shit lager with somebody else's chequebook?

HARRIS:
Yes, Mr Hunt.

GENE:
Where d'you get the chequebook?

HARRIS:
I can't remember, it all looks the same.

GENE decides to jog his memory.

HARRIS:
Aaaahhhh!

ALEX:
Is this strictly necessary?

GENE:
No, but it's bloody good fun, though.

HARRIS:
Over there!

GENE:
Don't move.

The team start to comb the area indicated.

ALEX:
Here's a fire.

GENE:
There're always fires in shitholes like this.

SHAZ:
Guv? Oh, my...

SHAZ has found a bra buried in some gravel.

GENE:
What else did you find?

HARRIS:
Just the purse. Honest!

SHAZ ill-advisedly starts to dig a little deeper into the gravel, and finds the arm that's should have a hand attached... She doesn't take it well, and runs away from the wasteground.

SHAZ:
Oh, my God! I'm sick of this! I'm sick of this...

GENE, ALEX, RAY and CHRIS start to dig with their hands. Again, I'd have said that was ill-advised, however...

CHRIS:
Sandie Danson's driving licence.

They dig some more, and uncover a face.

GENE:
Right, that's the last play of his game, Bolly. I want him.



CID

ALEX:
Well, it's obviously going to take too long to check through all these replies in turn.

CHRIS:
How many replies did you get, Guv?

GENE:
That is not germane to this investigation.

RAY and CHRIS look at ALEX, who mouths either "He got one" or "Not one" and they grin.

ALEX:
Um, it's true... it's true that we're a little bit short on female replies, so I'd like all of you to round up any female friends you may have.

RAY:
I could give the twins a call.

SHAZ:
Why would you want women who are nothing to do with the investigation?

ALEX:
Because I am about to invent speed-dating.

GENE:
What?

ALEX:
It's very simple. The agency tells their clients they are about to hold a divorcee evening, a social event.

RAY:
What, Grab-A-Granny?

ALEX:
We need a whole bunch of single women as well, so that they don't get suspicious. Everybody has five minutes with each other, and then they move on.

GENE:
And they said romance was dead.

CHRIS:
And that's how we're going to trap the killer? With this speed-dating thing?

ALEX:
Exactly. We're looking for a man who preys on newly-divorced women, who travels up and down the country for work. And if he's there, I'll spot him.

SHAZ:
I think it sounds stupid.

ALEX:
I don't recall asking for your opinion, Shaz.

Harsh, but true. At that point ELAINE DOWNING arrives.

ELAINE DOWNING:
This is an absolute outrage! When my clients sign up, I promise them absolute confidentiality. I'm not going to have them duped and deceived in this way.

ELAINE DOWNING notices RAY in CID.

ELAINE DOWNING:
Ray? What are you doing here?

RAY:
I work here. Not that I know who you are.

ELAINE DOWNING:
But you said you were a soldier.

There's an awkwards pause - VIV has to smother his laughter.

GENE:
Right, moving on... One of your clients is a murderer, the rest are losers and tossers. Your point is?

ELAINE DOWNING:
My point is, I forbid it. If you carry on with this farce, I will... I'll personally ring up every single one of my gentlemen and warn them off. All they're guilty of is looking for love.

GENE:
Love? Oh, this isn't about love. No, no, no, there are no pink fluffy cushions, there are no chubby little angels firing bows and arrows. No, this is murder.

ELAINE DOWNING:
Well, I don't believe it. My gentlemen are perfectly honest men, they would not do a thing like...

GENE pops into his office and returns with the postmortem photograph of Fiona Day.

GENE:
Here's what one of your lovely gentlemen did. Lust and filth. That's what you're selling.



Luigi's, and various members of the team are dotted about at tables, being clients. First up, ALEX has drawn Mr Anorak. Lucky girl.

MUSIC: 'Being With You' by Smokey Robinson

RONNIE:
For historical reasons, British trains have a much smaller loading gauge than European or American trains.

ALEX:
Well, I never knew that. Um, you know, funnily enough, I was on the train the other day, er, Ronnie, to, um, Norwich. Have you ever been to Norwich?

RONNIE:
Once.

GENE, meanwhile, is bored rigid in the company of a RHONDA, who seems to collect husbands as a hobby.

RHONDA:
My second husband was called Terry. He was a sweet enough bloke, I suppose, but thick as a fence post.

GENE:
Why d'you marry him, then?

RHONDA:
He was hung like something off the beach at Weston-super-Mare.

At another table, RAY is still setting his sights on the TWINS.

RAY:
Well, there must be one little area of your bodies that's, ah... not quite the same?

TWIN:
Wouldn't you like to know?

RAY:
Yes, I would. I really would.

CHRIS has drawn almost as short a straw as ALEX and it strapped for conversation.

CHRIS:
D'you like football?

SHY WOMAN:
No.

Meanwhile, at the bar, ELAINE DOWNING is talking to LUIGI.

ELAINE DOWNING:
Is DCI Hunt married?

LUIGI:
There was Mrs Hunt once, I believe.

ELAINE DOWNING:
Poor, poor woman!

LUIGI:
Heh heh. Now he's only married to his job.

LUIGI rings a bell. He's a natural; it's possible he was a bus conductor in a former life.

LUIGI:
All change!




CID kitchen, and JIM KEATS turns up as SHAZ is making a cuppa.

JIM KEATS:
You're working late.

SHAZ:
Oh. They're all down at Luigi's at this dating thing but I didn't feel well enough to go.

JIM KEATS:
Oh. Sorry to hear that. Why did you join the police force, Sharon?

SHAZ:
To make a difference. Sounds stupid, don't it?

JIM KEATS:
Not to me.

SHAZ:
I had big dreams. Um, I knew it wouldn't be easy, being a woman and everything, but I thought if I put my head down and worked really hard...

JIM KEATS:
Well, the police force is changing. Women will increasingly hold sway. I mean, look at Alex Drake.

SHAZ:
I do. She's the most amazing woman I've ever met. She's also the one that's got me thinking that maybe this job ain't for me.

JIM KEATS:
What, because you can't compete with her?

SHAZ:
Not with any of them. I just don't think I'm cut out to do this for the rest of my life. I'm not strong enough.

JIM KEATS:
What would DCI Hunt say to that?

SHAZ:
He wouldn't understand. He's as brave as a lion and he don't have time for anyone who ain't.

JIM KEATS:
D'you know what I think, Sharon? I think it takes enormous courage to realise you might have taken a wrong turn. That maybe this job isn't for you.

SHAZ:
D'you think I should leave the force, sir?

JIM KEATS:
I think you know exactly what you should do. Come on. I'll buy you a drink.




Back at the speed-dating, and GENE's still stuck with RHONDA.

MUSIC: 'Red, Red Wine' by UB40

RHONDA:
My fourth husband is a lovely man. Dotes on me. Worships me.

GENE:
So why are you here?

RHONDA:
He's dead. But he's still here with me in spirit. Wants me to be happy.

GENE:
Er, weren't we supposed to swop when the bell went?

RHONDA:
No-one sat in your chair, darlin', did they? Only me. I'm sat in your chair, babes.

ALEX has gone from Mr Anorak to GRAHAM MCCLEAN.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
I'm sure this is not what you're meant to do, but...

GRAHAM MCCLEAN takes a photo out of his wallet and shows it to ALEX.

ALEX:
Ah. They're lovely. I suppose that's the one saving grace about my divorce. You know, that there weren't any children involved.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
Actually, I'm not divorced. Their mum died.

ALEX:
Oh, I'm so sorry.

CHRIS has swapped with RAY, and now has the TWINS.

CHRIS:
Ray's a top bloke. He's my best mate. He's a brilliant copper.

RAY gives CHRIS the thumbs up, somewhat to the chagrin of the SHY WOMAN.

SHY WOMAN:
If you don't want to talk to me, just say.

RAY:
Er. What's the most unusual place a bloke's ever made love to you?

SHY WOMAN:
Probably my bottom.

JIM KEATS and SHAZ have arrived at the bar; lager for her, white wine for him. Tells you all you need to know...

JIM KEATS:
It's unconventional, I'll say that. She's quite a woman, your Alex Drake.

SHAZ:
Why don't you go and talk to her, sir? I'll be fine here.

JIM KEATS:
Don't be silly.

SHAZ:
She doesn't bite.

LUIGI:
All change again, please!

LUIGI rings his bell again, and JIM KEATS sits down at ALEX's table.

ALEX:
Sir?

JIM KEATS:
My name's Jim and I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.

ALEX laughs. Meanwhile poor old GENE's still stuck with the lovely RHONDA.

RHONDA:
My knickers are in my handbag. What d'you say to that?

GENE:
Herb Alpert and His Tijuana Brass.

Both RAY and CHRIS are now with the TWINS.

RAY:
When this is over, why don't we nip upstairs and have a game of cards?

TWINS:
Upstairs?

RAY:
Yeah. Mate of ours has got a flat above the restaurant.

TWIN:
D'you think he'd mind?

RAY:
It's a she actually. And it looks like she's a little busy at the minute. So how's about it?

Back at the bar, SHAZ has no appetite for her lager.

SHAZ:
I think I'm going to go home, Luigi.

LUIGI:
No, stay, lovely Shaz. On the house.

SHAZ:
I just don't feel a part of it any more.

JIM KEATS is showing unexpected apptitude for speed-dating.

JIM KEATS:
Music, I like, um, Elvis Costello. Philip Glass. Mahler.

ALEX:
I love Mahler.

JIM KEATS:
The Adagiato from his Fifth Symphony.

ALEX:
I love it.

GENE is finding the lovely RHONDA a bit of a handful.

GENE:
Luigi! If you don't ring that bloody bell I will ring it for you!

LUIGI:
All change again, please.



ALEX's flat, and strip poker isn't going entirely to plan. CHRIS is down to his underpants.

MUSIC: 'Give It Up' by KC and the Sunshine Band

# Everybody wants you
# Everybody wants your love
# I'd just like to make you... #

CHRIS:
So, er, tell me again. Is it Aces high or low?

RAY:
High.

# N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-now, baby give it up
# Give it up... #



Luigi's, post speed-dating. Neither GENE nore ALEX are particularly happy.

GENE:
Well, that went well. I've just spent a precious evening with a bunch of sluts and losers.

ALEX:
He wasn't there.

GENE:
No, but he might have been. That's the frustrating thing.

ALEX:
No, he wasn't. There was no pattern. There was no response to my questions.

ELAINE DOWNING:
I'm going home now.

GENE:
Goodnight.

ALEX:
Nothing jumped out to you, did it, Elaine?

ELAINE DOWNING:
No. Look, I can't tell you how sorry I am that my agency has been involved in these terrible crimes. I hope you find the person that killed these women.

GENE:
Oh, I will. And the only dates he'll be going on will be with a very large man called Bubba and a tub of prison margarine.

ELAINE DOWNING:
Has it poisoned you, all this, Mr Hunt?

GENE:
Oh, go back to fluffyville, lady.

ELAINE DOWNING:
There is love in this world. People find it every day.



SHAZ is walking home again, plugged into her Walkman. There are screams and shouts and SHAZ removes her headphones and stares at a gang of masked yoof chasing after some people. SHAZ pulls out her warant card and runs forward. Have I mentioned ill-advised actions? Yeah, another one of them.

SHAZ:
I'm a police officer! You're all under arrest! Put down your weapons!

GANG KID:
What are you gonna do, babe?

SHAZ:
I'll say it again, I'm a police officer! Put down your weapons!

GANG KIDS:
Cut her! Stick the bitch! Make the pig squeal!

SHAZ looks at the nearest gang member, to see he's armed with a screwdriver. A cabinetmaker's pattern one, if you're interested. SHAZ backs away, falling at the foot of some stairs before fleeing up them, the gang not even bothering to give chase.

GANG KID:
Run, little piggy girl, run before I cut you!



SHAZ winds up on the bench by the Thames again, with nothing but the inky black waters for company. Good for brooding; lousy for getting over it. A storm shows up on cue and rumbles in the distance.



In his office, GENE is also brooding - over the photographs of Fiona Day.



In her flat, ALEX is tossing and turning on the sofa again, the shadow of a certain weathervan cast on the floor. Incidentally, new carpet? The pattern of the starry night sky also falls on the floor and sofa, and a flashback to SHAZ yelling in the "Mastermind" scene.

SHAZ in flashback:
Murder! MURDER!

Then a short loop flashback to the Uptown Girl sequence.

# ...and when she-
# ...and when she-
# ...and when she- #

The face of Sandie Danson lying in the shallow grave, eyes suddenly opening, the weather vane casting a shadow in the corner. A scream. ALEX wakes up with a gasp.



CID, and the builders are still making a filthy din, as is the habit of their breed. SHAZ's desk remains empty.

ALEX:
What we have to ask ourselves is why now? Some of the murder victims go back a couple of years or more, but we received no severed limbs. So why now?

RAY:
You should have stuck around last night, mate. Oh, twintastic!

GENE:
The last time we tried this, I ended up dating the world's biggest trollop. I'm running out of patience, Bolly.

ALEX:
And the alternative is what, exactly?

Then, joy of joys, JIM KEATS arrives.

JIM KEATS:
I think DI Drake is right.

GENE:
Find your own case, Keats.

JIM KEATS:
Why now?

ALEX:
Maybe he wants fame?

JIM KEATS:
Ted Bundy.

ALEX:
Jeffrey Dahmer.

There's one of those uncomprehending moments from everyone else, except, apparently, JIM KEATS.

ALEX:
Carry on.

GENE:
If he wants fame, why can't he just top himself on the Wogan show?

JIM KEATS:
Because he likes the game. He's enjoying making a fool of you.

CHRIS:
Well, still doesn't explain why now?

ALEX:
He left giveaway marks on the bodies.

JIM KEATS:
Which were missed.

GENE:
Are we keeping you from your fetid office, DCI Keats?

ALEX:
Maybe he's using the hand as a bigger clue?

JIM KEATS:
It's possible.

ALEX:
Maybe he's using the hand to accelerate the game.

JIM KEATS:
But why?

ALEX:
Maybe he's sick?

GENE:
Get away.

JIM KEATS:
You mean physically sick?

ALEX:
Maybe he's dying.

JIM KEATS:
He can't wait for us to put the clues together so he had to help us.

ALEX:
Exactly.

JIM KEATS:
He'll kill again.

GENE:
Sorry, is this a private game or can we all join in?

CHRIS:
Maybe he wants an easy life in the nick and die there?

JIM KEATS:
He wants glory.

ALEX:
Get me the medical records of all Crescent Moon's clients.

RAY:
Every city?

ALEX:
Every city. We contact their GPs, we find out if anything has changed in their medical situation over the past couple of months!

The noise form the builders has been gradually getting louder and louder as ALEX was talking and she has to end at a shout.

ALEX:
Will somebody please sort that noise out!

SHAZ comes in, and pulls the plug.

SHAZ:
I'm only going to say this once, and I'd like you all to respect my decision and not to try to talk to me about it or try and talk me out of it.

CHRIS:
Shaz?

SHAZ:
Especially you, Chris. Now I've thought long and hard about this, I've spoken to senior officers, and... I'm resigning from the Metropolitan Police. No questions, no arguments, I've made my decision. Obviously, I'll work out my notice.

SHAZ goes to her desk, leaving a shocked CID, and a smirking JIM KEATS. VIV arrives with a large Jiffy bag.

VIV:
For you, Ma'am. You ordered it from Manchester.

ALEX:
Thanks, Viv.

ALEX opens the package to find a black leather jacket and papers relating to the "Personal Effects of DI Sam Tyler". Stamped "Confidential". She puts it all back in the Jiffy bag and into another desk drawer.

CHRIS:
Hang on a second, here's something.

RAY:
What is it?

CHRIS:
This bloke was told he had terminal cancer a couple of months ago.

ALEX:
Let me see. That's McClean. I met him speed-dating. Widower, two kids. Can't be.

RAY:
Heh heh heh. Oldest trick in the book. "Oh, the wife's just died, I'm bringing up two kids on my own." Next thing you know, your ankles are right behind your ears.

GENE:
Looks like you've been stitched up like a kipper, Bolly.

ALEX:
Little shit. Let's get him.

GENE:
I know your professional pride is, um...

ALEX:
Piqued?

GENE:
...Trampled on like a dead rat. But one gloomy prognosis by a doctor doesn't make a case. We need evidence. See if he's got a record.

ALEX:
I could go in as bait again.

GENE:
No, he's already seen you. He liked them young.

ALEX:
I am young, you rude git!

GENE:
Young, divorced, dark-haired.

All eyes turn to SHAZ.



CID kitchen, and GENE is exercising his powers of persuasion on the reluctant WPC.

GENE:
Now I'm not going to try and talk you out of leaving, Shaz. I don't know why you want to leave, makes no sense to me, but, er... you're my colleague. You said ask no questions, so no questions will be asked.

SHAZ:
Thank you, sir.

GENE:
All I do ask of you is that you go out in a blaze of glory. You make me proud of you.

SHAZ:
I know what you want me to do. Believe me, if I thought I was capable of doing it, I wouldn't be leaving...

GENE:
Shaz, all over this country, there are women lying in unmarked graves. Now it's our job and responsibility to stop this bastard from killing again.

SHAZ:
Please don't ask me.

GENE:
I wouldn't ask you if I didn't think you could do it.

SHAZ breaks down.

SHAZ:
And then no more?

GENE:
Then no more. I give you my word.



CID, and ELAINE DOWNING is waiting for a call.

SHAZ:
So how does it work?

ELAINE DOWNING:
I sent out your details to McClean, as I normally would send out a new client. I said that there was a lot of interest, so if he hadn't phoned back by three, then...

RAY:
You know those twins? Almost identical. But not quite.

ELAINE DOWNING:
He'll phone back and then I'll tell him that I'll forward his details on to you. It'll be your choice when and where you meet him.

ALEX:
You didn't go anywhere near those twins, did you, Ray?

RAY:
Yeah, I did.

ALEX:
No, you didn't. You've got a tell. You stroke that 'tache when you lie.

RAY:
No, I don't.

ALEX:
Yes, you do.

CHRIS:
You don't have to do this, not if you don't want to.

SHAZ:
It'll be the last thing I do.

CHRIS:
Don't say that.

The telephone rings; ELAINE DOWNING answers.

ELAINE DOWNING:
Crescent Moon Dating Agency, Elaine speaking. How can I help you? Mr McClean, how nice to hear from you. Yes, yes, I think I can remember the young lady, she's new on our books. Sharon. Delightful young lady. Yes, I'll be only too happy to pass your enquiry on to her. I hope she responds. You're very welcome.

She hangs up. SHAZ looks unhappy.



MUSIC: 'War Baby' by Tom Robinson

The Queen Elizabeth public house, and SHAZ waits nervously on a bar stool.

# Only the very young and the very beautiful can be so aloof
# Hanging out with the boys, all swagger and poise
# I don't even care what other people are there
# I just stare, and stare and stare #

Meanwhile, in the back of a van, CHRIS and RAY wait, SHAZ's wire playing into a recorder next to them.

CHRIS:
This is wrong. She's clearly not in the right frame of mind.

RAY:
Say something to the Guv, then.

CHRIS:
I will. I bloody will.

RAY:
Yeah, right.

GENE and ALEX return from a quest for beverages. They don't seem to have brought Ray and Chris anything. Ruddy senior officers...

ALEX:
Anything yet?

RAY:
Chris wants to say something.

GENE:
What?

CHRIS:
Nothing.

RAY:
You never stand up to authority. Twat.

CHRIS:
You never got anywhere near those twins. Saddo.

RAY:
Did.

CHRIS and ALEX:
Didn't.

ALEX:
Shaz is on the line here.

RAY:
She's got some balls, I'll give her that.

CHRIS:
One of us should be there.

ALEX:
Too risky.



Back in the pub, GRAHAM MCCLEAN arrives, with flowers, and approaches SHAZ. Cutting between pub and van until further notice.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
Sharon?

SHAZ:
Yeah?

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
Graham.

SHAZ over the wire:
Oh, hello. I'm Sharon.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN over the wire:
Yeah. You said.

SHAZ:
Sorry, I'm a bit nervous. Thank you.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
Me, too.

Time passes.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
My wife died two years ago.

SHAZ:
I'm really sorry to hear that.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
You're probably not meant to do this, but...

GRAHAM MCCLEAN hands over the picture of two children.

SHAZ:
They're lovely.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
They said they didn't want their daddy being lonely forever. So here I am.

ALEX:
What a scumbag.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
And what about you, Sharon? You're obviously a very attractive woman. I'm a bit surprised you're using a dating agency.

SHAZ:
Oh, I've been out with guys my own age, but I find them a bit inadequate, to be honest.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN over the wire:
Where are my manners? Can I buy you a drink?

SHAZ over the wire:
Oh, please, I'll have Bacardi and Coke. Thank you.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
You know, actually, I've got a better idea... No, forget it, forget it, sorry, new at this, it's against the rules.

SHAZ:
What?

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
Well, it's just that there is the most lovely moon out tonight, and, well, I know this view of the Thames.

ALEX:
Don't do it, Shaz. Stay in the pub.

SHAZ:
It's just that Elaine said I should always stay around other people. Especially on the first date.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
Quite right, too. (to barman) Er, Bacardi and Coke.

SHAZ:
But I do like a nice view.

ALEX:
Oh, Shaz.

CHRIS:
I'm going in!

GENE:
Stay where you are! Shaz is in charge.

CHRIS:
It's dangerous.

GENE:
She's a police officer, it's meant to be dangerous.



GRAHAM MCCLEAN leads SHAZ towards some wasteground.

SHAZ:
Tell me about your wife.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
My wife? That's a strange question.

SHAZ over the wire:
Sorry. So where are we now?

GRAHAM MCCLEAN over the wire:
It's just a short cut.

SHAZ over the wire:
Yeah, I know, but...

GRAHAM MCCLEAN over the wire:
Are you cold?

SHAZ over the wire:
No.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN over the wire:
I'll make us a little fire.

ALEX:
Oh, careful, Shaz.

SHAZ over the wire:
What about the view?

GRAHAM MCCLEAN over the wire:
Women feel the cold more than men. Women need warmth.

RAY:
What a nutter.

GENE:
Just get him to talk.

CHRIS:
This is going to end badly, I just know it.

RAY:
There's an area of wasteland to the south. If he follows the same pattern, he's going to be...

CHRIS:
Like a needle in a haystack.

ALEX:
There'll be a fire.

GENE:
Let him confess.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN and SHAZ are now by a jolly camp fire. Sort of.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
You asked about my wife.

SHAZ:
Maybe we should get back.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
She was a slut, Sharon. Told me she loved me. Told me she wanted my kids. A slut and a liar.

SHAZ:
She is dead, though?

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
Lives in Aberdeen, amounts to the same thing.

He laughs. I admit it, so did I.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
There's a restraining order against me.

SHAZ:
I see.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
Do you? Do you see? D'you know where she met her gingery Scotsman? Hmm? Father of her little ginger children?

SHAZ:
No.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
A dating agency. Mmm. I was working all hours and that slut was meeting men through a dating agency.

CHRIS moves to get out of the van, but RAY stops him.

RAY:
You don't know where she is.

SHAZ over the wire:
What do you do for a living?

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
I manage a supermarket.

SHAZ:
You don't travel round the country?

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
No.

SHAZ:
I don't believe you. I think you've been to Bristol and Norwich.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
That's a lie.

SHAZ:
You said you had a dead wife and lovely kids! That wasn't true, was it?

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
Are you a slut, Sharon?

SHAZ over the wire:
No, I'm not.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
Yeah, I think you are.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN brings out a crescent shape on the end of a metal rod that he's conveniently concealed in his pocket. It's effectively a branding iron.

SHAZ:
What's that?

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
It's just the moon. Pretty, isn't it? Used to be on a necklace that he gave to my wife. It's a romantic present, because they met at this dating agency.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN starts heating up the crescent in the fire.

SHAZ:
What did you do to the girls you met?

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
You're a very pretty slut, Sharon.

He grabs SHAZ and she yells and struggles.

SHAZ:
I told you, I'm not a slut!

GENE:
Go!

GENE and co finally make their move. Meanwhile SHAZ is still struggling.

SHAZ:
Is this what you did with the other girls before you killed them?

SHAZ falls to the ground and GRAHAM MCCLEAN pins her there.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
D'you want to know the irony of all this, right?! That bitch lives in ginger happiness and me... I've got cancer, Sharon. Yeah! Eating away at me. Killing me softly. Now sluts... Sluts have to be branded, Sharon. Like cattle. Then, like cattle, they get slaughtered. STOP MOVING!

SHAZ screams at him, but can't get away.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN:
You see, you can't touch me, nobody can, because you see, I die of cancer in a prison cell, or I die of cancer as a free man. You see you can't touch me, Sharon. Mwah! But I can certainly touch you.

GRAHAM MCCLEAN turns away to get the branding iron and SHAZ scrabbles for the screwdriver she presumably took with her (?) With a lunge she stabs him in the side, pushes him away and legs it.



GENE and co are combing the area by torchlight.

ALEX:
Shaz!

CHRIS:
Shazza!

ALEX:
Shaz!

CHRIS:
Shazza!

RAY:
Hang on! I heard something. Over there.

Sobbing, SHAZ stumbles into view.

SHAZ:
Get an ambulance! He needs help or he's going to die and he's got to confess!

CHRIS:
Shaz come here, baby.

SHAZ:
Let go of me!

ALEX:
It's over, it's all right.

RAY:
Drake.

SHAZ ignores CHRIS and ALEX and goes instead to GENE. And she gets a comforting hug out of it. Needless to say ALEX's attention is arrested by this until chivvied by RAY to go and see to GRAHAM MCCLEAN.

RAY:
Drake.

CHRIS lingers, then turns away, unwanted. Aww, bless his little highlighted head.



A deserted CID, and GENE comes out of his office to drop a file on ALEX's desk. He hesitates when he sees her desk drawer just held open by a flap of black leather jacket. He opens the drawer and gazes down at the Jiffy bag of Sam Tyler's belongings, carefully tucks in the loose flap of jacket and closes the drawer again.



Luigi's, and celebrations are underway.

MUSIC: 'Video Killed The Radio Star' by Buggles.

RAY:
Terry, get the bar. Look, can I just say...? Order! Order! Come on. Can I just say, that I might not have been the greatest supporter of women in the police force. It's not my fault I've got an illness with a posh name.

RAY looks to ALEX for help.

RAY:
What is it?

ALEX:
Misogyny.

CID:
Oooh!

RAY:
But what Shaz did tonight was incredible.

CID cheer and applaud in agreement.

RAY:
And I for one am very proud to be a colleague of yours.

More cheering and applause.

RAY:
Now, go make my dinner!

Much hilarity at that one, naturally.

CHRIS:
Whatever you do next, Shaz, I'm sure you'll be brilliant at it. I hope I always know you.

SHAZ:
Course you will.

GENE:
Right, Shaz, let's put an end to this leaving nonsense.

SHAZ:
Guv, you promised you wouldn't mention it.

GENE:
I lied. It's long been an ambition of mine to see you out of your uniform.

CID:
Whooo.

SHAZ:
Guv!

GENE:
No, no. Out of THE uniform. What I'm trying to say is, if you keep up this quality of work, you'll be in CID by Christmas.

CID:
Wayhey!

SHAZ:
You can't be serious?

GENE:
When I'm not being serious, I have these rather lovely crinkly lines just at the side of my eyes.

CHRIS:
Crows feet, Guv.

GENE:
Thank you, Christopher. What do you say, Granger?

SHAZ:
I say yes.

CID cheer.

And then we have a Spooky Moment. A zoom in on SHAZ, everything going dark and quiet around her, and short burst of 'Life On Mars'.

# It's a god-awful small affair #

NELSON:
Welcome! Heh heh heh.

# To the girl with the mousy hair #

Normal audio is resumed, and CID are celebrating even more.

RAY:
To Shaz, everybody!

ALL:
To Shaz.

CHRIS:
To Shaz!

JIM KEATS shimmers up beside ALEX at the bar.

JIM KEATS:
Quite the showman.

ALEX:
He has his moments.

JIM KEATS:
You did well, Alex. Really well.

ALEX:
We all did. We're a team.

JIM KEATS:
A team. I hear you've been in touch with Manchester.

ALEX:
There were some files I was interested in.

JIM KEATS:
Sam Tyler's files?

ALEX:
Yeah.

JIM KEATS:
You think he killed him, don't you?

ALEX:
I think who killed him? I don't know what you're talking about.

JIM KEATS:
I think he did, too.

JIM KEATS leaves, and ALEX looks uncertainly at GENE; who's in slo-mo, which must be a Bad Thing. But lo! The lovely ELAINE DOWNING has arrived and approaches our slow motion hero.

MUSIC: 'Love Plus One' by Haircut 100

RAY:
Guv.

ELAINE DOWNING:
I heard what happened. You did a fine thing.

GENE:
Well, as far as I'm concerned, he can die in a nice, warm cell in prison.

For some reason, this comment compels Mrs Glenister, er, I mean ELAINE DOWNING to lay a smacker on her hubby. That is on GENE, I mean. Yes, that's right. It's all about the characters... Obviously there's general wolf whistling and exclamation from the populous. Get a room.

ELAINE DOWNING:
If you ever want a date, Mr Hunt...

ELAINE DOWNING puts her card in GENE's top pocket.

ELAINE DOWNING:
...call me.

ELAINE DOWNING leaves. ALEX looks a trifle sick; RAY is impressed.

RAY:
How did you do that?

GENE:
Well, Raymondo, you've either got it, my friend, or you haven't.

RAY:
Ha-ha! To Shaz!

More cheers. SHAZ smiles.

MUSIC: 'Girls Just Want To Have Fun' by Cyndi Lauper

Dancing is occurring amongst CID. GENE sensibly makes for the bar and ALEX instead.

GENE:
You know, we make a good team, Bolly. Posh totty and a bit of rough.

ALEX:
Uptown girl, downtown man. Look at Shaz. She's blooming.

GENE:
One thing, though. Teams stick together through thick and thin.

ALEX:
I know.

GENE:
They don't go behind your back digging up old files. Old files that are better left well alone.

ALEX:
Guv...

GENE:
You see, Keats and people like him, they want to take us down, Alex. So no matter what he says... don't help him.

GENE departs, leaving ALEX looking a trifle truculent. Determined pair of stockings, remember, Gene?

# Oh, daddy dear
# You know you're still number one
# But girls, they wanna have fun
# Oh, girls just wanna have...
# That's all they really want
# Some fun.... #

ALEX looks slightly sick, the music dies away and we find ourselves looking at the sky, then down to a field and the GHOSTLY COPPER standing half turned away from us. There are sounds of crows. The GHOSTLY COPPER turns towards us, then the picture changes like changing TV channels. A zoom in on that pesky weather vane, and another burst of picture change.


Credits.


# Girls, they wanna...
# Wanna have fun!
# Girls, wanna have...
# Some boys take a beautiful girl... #


Revised 3.6.10